Life is utterly too complicated. People take things and blow them way out of proportion and then everyone else gets upset or frustrated at the extra crap and drama and everything just explodes. Why is that? Why can't life be simple? Adam and Eve were simple. Hell, they didn't even wear clothing for a while until they realized that their hoo-dillies were all hanging out all over the place. I think life was supposed to be simple all along, and we "intelligent" humans have made it way too complicated with our quest to be all-knowing and super-intelligent. Why do we explore the surfaces of Jupiter and Mars? Is that really necessary? And why do we want to have communities on the moon? Why go through all that extra energy? There is so much beauty on the planet where we live, why should we spend all this needless money and time trying to habitate somewhere else? Why do we research things that are so insignificant and that will never affect our lives in the least? I just don't get it. I'm kind of glad that I don't, because I don't ever want to be like those people who are never satisfied and are always searching for answers to more and more questions that should never have been asked in the first place. Technology is going to be the death of us. Someone is going to uncover something that was never meant to be uncovered and that will be the demise of this planet. Then maybe someone will think, "Wow, maybe we should've left well enough alone all along". Unfortunately, I think that person will be living on the moon and will have no way to warn the rest of us earth-dwellers.

Why do we have this thirst and need for power? Why does success have to mean money and material things? There is a radio commercial where I live for a club downtown. The commercial goes something like, "come join (my city's) trendy elite. dress to impress or stay outside". So if I don't dress a certain way, I can't hobknob with these "better" people? I guess I have to go to Starbuck's every morning for an overpriced cup of coffee, go to the mall and buy Gucci and Vuitton to make sure I look expensive, drive a BMW or a Mercedes so I look cool on the road, and all the while be $50,000 in debt with student loans so I can have the most prestigious position at some corporation all at the same time? That is why people feel so overwhelmed and feel the need to commit suicide. Why can't people just be happy with who they are and what they have? Why do people feel that they aren't good enough if they don't have the latest and greatest of everything? Maybe it's because I have never had money, but I just don't see the point in all of these material things. I am happy with what I've got and I wouldn't trade my life for any of the "trendy elite's" lives for anything. What we need more of, as cliche as this may sound, is love. If everyone could just stop and look at their lives from the perspective of the people they're trying to impress, they would see that they were alike all along. Someone like me, for example, is not impressed by someone who tries to be everything to everyone. We think you look ignortant and stupid trying to be something you so obviously cannot be. The only people impresses by you are those people who are doing the same things to try to one-up you. Just think about this the next time you envy someone for what they've got or what they look like, because it's probably just a façade. Just look at them and shake your head, because you have something that they probably will never have. You are real.

As I'm getting my life back on track and living more healthily again, I'm wondering, should I be editing some of my other habits as well? I watch a lot of reality TV, probably more than I should, and most of the shows I watch are, more or less, unscripted soap operas with no real value other than that inevitable cliff hanger at the end of each episode that makes one eager to find out the conclusion. It's a vicious cycle. I have no real drama in my life, nor the desire to acquire any, but I think these shows that I watch give me some sort of life within my own. Maybe I'm just desiring something interesting to happen or something. I really don't know. It's rather perplexing as to why all of this documented drama is so intriguing to me. I want a second opinion, so if any of you have an idea of whether it's a good or bad idea to keep watching these shows, please comment. This may be trivial to most of you, but for me, it matters, so no "that's dumb" comments please. Thx, bye.

Today I've been thinking more and more about the people who ignore me and constantly give me reason to be frustrated or upset. I have made a rock-solid decision that these people will no longer be allowed to be in my life, period. I worry too much about those people and I shouldn't because they don't give two shits about me. Emails, instant messages, etc. are completely ignored and it really pisses me off that these people are so stupid. I know now that it is time for me to move on from this point in my life with the people who do care about me and love me for who I am no matter what. I'm going to begin taking the necessary steps immediately.

Got back into the gym today for the first REAL time in maybe a month. Yes, those 10 extra pounds WILL come off...maybe even 20. I'm already at a healthy weight for my height, but I still feel pudgy. I'm 5'5" and round-abouts 150 lbs, give or take. This is the smallest I've been in about, oh, 7 years, so I'm already feeling a lot more confident that I can do it. I mean, I've lost 65 pounds since the beginning of the year for God's sake, I already KNOW that I can achieve just about anything that I put my heart into in this life. I've incorporated my healthy eating regimen back into the general scheme of things also to give an added boost to speed up my results. I have to almost become obsessed with it, or I will just go back to my old ways again, and then all of my effort will be in vain, which I REALLY do not want. I think I would be devastated if that were to happen, but I will not LET that happen, for I am in complete control. I'll have to think of a few catchy little mantras to keep myself going.

I was in an introspective mood at work today and I somehow got the song "Hands" by Jewel stuck in my head. It's one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard, and it all made so much more sense when I actually started to write out the lyrics on a piece of scratch paper. In case you haven't heard the song, I will give you a taste of it right now:

Hands - Jewel (Kilcher)

If I could tell the world just one thing it would be that we're all okay,
and not to worry, 'cause worry is wasteful and useless in times like these.
I won't be made useless; won't be idled with despair.
I gather myself around my faith, for light's the darkness' most fear.

My hands are small I know but they're not yours, they are my own,
but they're not yours, they are my own and, I am never broken.

Poverty stole your golden shoes, but it didn't steal your laughter.
Heartache came to visit me, but I knew it wasn't ever after.
We'll fight, but not out of spite, for someone must stand up for what's right.
Where there's a man who has no voice, there ours shall go singing.

My hands are small I know but they're not yours, they are my own,
bu they're not yours, they are my own and, I am never broken.

In the end, only kindness matters.
In the end, only kindness matters.

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray.
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray.
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray.

My hands are small I know but they're not yours, they are my own,
but they're not yours, they are my own and, I am never broken.
I am never broken.
We are never broken.

In closing, there is an ancient Chinese proverb that I would like to share with you, and I would like for you to take it to heart. It goes, "Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness." This proverb will definitely be helping me to not be so critical and judgmental with some certain people in my life right now. Think about it, really.